


selfless

by finelineholland



Category: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: F/M, Ouch, POV Second Person, gina walks in on the ily scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:40:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26248819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/finelineholland/pseuds/finelineholland
Summary: a look into Gina Porter's head...
Relationships: Ricky Bowen & Gina Porter, Ricky Bowen/Gina Porter, Ricky Bowen/Nini Salazar-Roberts
Comments: 6
Kudos: 42





	selfless

If there is one thing you know, it’s  _ selflessness _ . 

If your mother says you’re moving again, you’re moving again. It’s important to her. Being upset will only make things more difficult between the two of you, so it’s easier to smile and pretend that you weren’t that attached to that home to begin with. Which you weren’t. Friends are hard and people are cruel. You never let your guard down. It keeps you from being burned. 

If a boy that intrigues you (reason: unknown) seems upset, you say what you can to lift his spirits. Tell him bits and pieces of your story and hope that he finds comfort in your words. Ensure him that his new role suits him, that he should do what makes him happy. Smile when he seeks your company and ignore the pang you feel in your heart when he stares at  _ her  _ with a sort of nostalgia that you’ve never had the pleasure of experiencing. 

If those feelings change from intrigue to something more, something painstakingly beautiful and absolutely terrifying, you don’t say a word. He’s fragile and your future is uncertain. You’ve seen the toll that change has taken on him, and you can’t stand to be the next one in his life that tears him apart. So don’t answer his messages. Decline every call, no matter how much you want to hear his voice. You’re leaving again, so take those feelings with you for his sake. 

If you’re coming back, surprise him. Imagine the way his face will light up when you walk into the room. Think about how happy he will be that things will go back to normal, even if only for one night.  _ Happy.  _ That’s all you ever wanted for him. For him to be truly and unapologetically _ happy.  _ Revel in the hope that his feelings are similar to yours, that he’ll be the one to knock down the domino that starts something  _ new.  _

_ Don’t show any sign of despair when you look into his eyes for the first time in forever and you instantly know that the domino will remain standing.  _

_ The best thing I can do for her is take a step back and watch,  _ he says. 

If he wants to take a step back and watch, watch  _ with _ him. Stand by his side. Even if you’re almost sure he’d rather have someone else beside him instead. Maybe you’re wrong.  _ God, you hope you’re wrong. _

_ The best thing I can do for her.  _

_ For her.  _

_ Her.  _

If he walks towards  _ her,  _ let him go. Set him free. That’s your mind’s initial response. You want him to be happy. You can’t force him to find that happiness in you, but… he never stopped calling. Never stopped texting. He was  _ glad _ you came back. That means something, doesn’t it? Sure, you’ve never done this before, but something about it feels too special to lose. 

How often do you find someone who just  _ gets it?  _ How often do two people instantly click, form a bond that seems unbreakable in the most unlikely way? How can you be selfless when it feels like everything you’ve ever cared about is at stake?

So you run to him after the show. Check room after room, letting your heart lead you instead of your head. You have to tell him, selflessness be damned. You can’t force yourself to stomach the pain this time around, can’t bear to let go. 

You found him. But God, how you wish you didn’t. 

You’d always thought heartbreak was figurative. Now you know for certain that it isn’t. You’ve never felt a pain quite this great. It’s as if your heart is made of layers, each one shattering away until all that’s left is the very core, the place you were holding for  _ him.  _

He’s with  _ her.  _ He says he loves  _ her.  _ That he always has. 

_ The core shatters too.  _

You find yourself frozen outside of the doorway, hoping that somehow his words possessed a different meaning. Hoping that you were hearing this wrong. Hoping that somehow, someway, his words were meant for you. 

He says he’s loved  _ her _ since kindergarten. He’s been  _ kicking himself  _ every day since he couldn’t profess his love to  _ her _ the first time. 

_ Every day.  _

When he was with you, he was loving  _ her _ . When he embraced you, he was thinking of  _ her _ . When he looked into your eyes and you swore you could see some hint of affection brimming beneath his surface, you were right. But that affection wasn’t for you.

The pain in your chest is nearly unbearable. How could you have been so blind? So  _ stupid?  _ Letting your guard down and letting this boy infiltrate the heart you’d worked so hard to protect. 

You’re  _ strong.  _ You’re a force to be reckoned with. 

_ But you’ve never felt so small.  _ So  _ unwanted.  _ So  _ undeserving of love.  _

You’ve never had so much love to give, but no one to give it to. You were an idiot to think he wanted to be the someone that received it. Why would he, when he had  _ her? _

_ Change.  _

It had always taken a toll on him. You’d tried to protect him from it. Now… you would force change upon him in a heartbeat: A change that would make him choose you. How selfish was that? Wishing that you could magically make him feel the same way. Anything to make the piercing pain in your chest subside. 

He kisses  _ her.  _ Your breath hitches in your throat. Your knees begin to tremble. You hold back sobs as tears sting your eyes. 

You wanted him to be happy.  _ You wanted him to be happy.  _ Why does his happiness have to hurt this badly? Why is it eating away at every piece of you? Why can’t you be happy too?

He looks up and his eyes meet yours. He blinks and studies your face, the way he always does, looking deep beneath your surface and pulling out every little secret that you tried to keep hidden from the world. 

It used to bother you, but now you don’t mind. He can pull out your secrets. He can see firsthand the emptiness that he’s caused. He can feel the love that you held for him, the love he rejected by running into the arms of the girl before him

The girl who speaks at that moment, pulling his attention from you. He smiles, a smile you used to love, but now you find yourself hating more than ever. 

You want to leave. But you can’t. When he looks up again, you’re still standing there. Waiting. Pleading. Desperate to understand how he could be so cruel, or more accurate, how you could be so deluded. Stupid enough to believe that you could possibly be the object of his affections.

_ She  _ turns around this time, her smile as bright as the sun, her eyes gleaming with hope and love, hope and love that should’ve been yours. You can’t help but resent her as she acknowledges you, before turning back to him and waving goodbye, promising to catch up with him later.

_ Promises. _ They were meaningless. Every time he looked at you, you found hidden promises within his gaze, promises of what you could be, promises that you thought he wanted to fulfill. They were all empty. 

“So. You and Nini, huh?

“Yeah. Pretty crazy, right?”

“Yeah. Crazy.” 

Silence envelopes the two of you as you struggle for words. But how could you possibly speak on something you can barely comprehend? All you know for sure is that he  _ left. _

Sure, he was still standing here before you, same tousled curls and brown eyes, but he wasn’t the same. He wasn’t  _ yours,  _ not the way you thought he was.

Everyone would swear that  _ you _ were the one who left, but now, you weren’t so sure. If anything, he was the one who disappeared, traveled to another world without a trace, leaving behind this carbon copy who didn’t seem to care about you in the slightest. 

_ He _ left  _ you _ behind, broken heart and all.

“I… I thought…”  _ I thought we got each other. I thought you cared about me. I thought you were glad that I was here.  _

_ I thought you loved me.  _

“I thought that your performance was really good tonight.” You settle.

“Thanks. Yours too. Uh. When’s your flight back home?”

“Eager to get rid of me now that you’ve got a girlfriend?”

It slipped out, followed by a mirthless chuckle, but that didn’t make it less true.

“What? No, of course not-”

“Right. I gotta, um, run. Yeah. Bye.”

Your legs finally regain feeling, carrying you away from the dressing room doorway, away from the boy who just shattered everything within you.

“Hey, Gina, wait-” You hear his footsteps behind you, pounding down the corridors. What gives him the right to chase after you? After you’d chased after him so long? After you’d dived in the raging waters of his smile, of his embrace, only to be drowned in the end?

“I did wait, Ricky!” You snap, turning to face him. You can’t stop the tears from slipping. “I waited for weeks… for you to admit that you… God, it doesn’t even matter. I’m an idiot for thinking there was  _ anything _ here to begin with.

“You’re not an idiot! Things just got complicated once you left and… I don’t know, okay! It all happened so fast.” 

You pause, your throat feeling as if it’s about to close as a lingering thought pierces your mind. “Would… would you have done it if I wasn’t here?

“What?

You laugh, the realization hitting you like a ton of bricks. This was all your fault. All that advice you’d given him, all the words that you’d poured from your heart to make him feel whole, had led him here.

_ ‘It suits you.’  _ Being the Troy to  _ her _ Gabriella.

_ ‘Do what makes you happy.’  _ Loving  _ her  _ makes him happy.

_ ‘Just fly, dude’  _ Away from you and straight into  _ her  _ arms.

You can’t be upset with him. Not when you led him here. It’s unfair. So you leave him with one final statement

“I hope she’s everything you want and more, Ricky.”  _ Everything you could never be. _

And you walk away. He doesn’t follow. You head towards the exit of East High feeling alone, dejected, dabbing at your tears with the sleeves of your jacket, wondering how you’d managed to lose so much in a single night.

You decide that you’re done being selfless. Look where it's gotten you. 

You leave that part of yourself in the past, in the same pit where you leave him, along with every single memory you share.

_ Late night car rides. _

_ Cheek kisses after dark. _

_ Secrets spilling into the air in an empty skatepark. _

_ Hugs that make you feel like you’re flying.  _

_ Lingering gazes that make your skin tingle in anticipation. _

_ Misplaced  _ anticipation. 

You have to forget. You  _ have  _ to. It’ll eat you alive if you don’t. Something deep within you tells you that you’ll also get eaten alive if you do. Feeling like this seemed inevitable.

But you ignore it and keep walking, wondering what’s ahead, what your future could possibly hold. 

One thing is for certain.

_ Your future no longer holds him.  _

**Author's Note:**

> hi i was sad and this was the outcome! yes it's dramatic but i miss rina ok bye


End file.
